My boyfriend just flat out chose to play the new Star Ocean game over talking to me / going out.

He couldn't even just pause the game for one minute to hear what I had to say.

It's not this that bothered me so much, but, he got angry. Anger petrifies me to the bone, I don't know how to handle anger and I never have. I can't pick it apart like sadness, or loneliness. I can't make it heal with words, all I can do it shakily step back and let it simmer down.

This boy, he is no man, my boyfriend of almost 3 years, stays in my house rent free, he eats my food, he uses my electricity, he uses my body. Shouldn't I be entitled to just 5 minutes of talking with him? He has the rest of the day to play his game, he has the rest of the day to do whatever he wants in my house - thanks to me, Mademoiselle Pushover.

I'm too much of a coward to retaliate or make a stand about it. I simply don't have the energy to even bring it up. But, I don't think it's right to feel unwanted in your own home, to feel frightened.

And so, I think it's time to feel the warm, liquid-gold burn of Whiskey sliding down my throat, coating my insides, dulling my brainwaves and making everything temporarily OK.

I've been delving into my past today.

Succumbing to loneliness, accidentally half-drowning in a bubble bath, reading Sylvia Plath and getting the edges of her memoirs wet, drinking rum with too much ice, chewing on mint leaves and sucking on salted limes, dying my hair city-fox red, dressing up with purpose - only to end up going nowhere.

I feel at peace with myself, I feel like "me" again.
Although, I admit, I'm not sure if backwards is where I should be going right now.

Edinburgh Taste Festival was amazing! :D

I met Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and I got his autograph~
I also got a picture with him but I look hideous in it so it shall stay in my private stash.
I had a free glass of champagne.. but it tasted disgusting!

It was such a lovely day, too. The weather has been hot, so I've been drinking Raspberry Mojitos and gnawing on mint leaves all this week. Sadly, that has to come to an end now due to me suddenly being £285 in debt. Oops. I guess I wont be eating any more this month!

I'm thinking I could just go out and pick some berries, mint, mushrooms etc from the forests around my house, but I'm worried in case I end up picking poisonous berries or funky 'shrooms.

I just won VIP tickets to the Edinburgh Taste Festival!
Yummers! :D

i've been wearing my heart monitor (lifecard cf) for 3 days now..

IT'S SO FREAKING ITCHY AAFJNSIUFOMCOISU82984

i ripped it off and now i have huge red fucking marks on my chest and ribs that are not only itchy, hot, and throbbing.. but also BLEEDING. :|





anyways, i finally watched twilight last week and, to my surprise, i loved it (mostly because i was so completely entranced by edward ffffffuuuuu--), but the books still make me cringe and want to burn them and everyone who thinks they are pieces of literary wonder and ~*~*~ThE BeST BoOkS EvArrr~*~*~.

oh well. time to go put some ice on my blistering wounds. :D :D :D

no, no, no and.. um.. no!

everyone is so paranoid, it's incredible.. D:

My laptop decided to go kaput on me, hence my absence.

Nothing interesting to report, had Cardiac Monitor and getting ECG soon.

Also, getting fat even though I'm eating super!healthy.

Gah, I love fruit and veggies.

My new netbook is cuuuute.

Honey, the hamster, is also growing ever so much cuter every day.

Peace out.

I recently purchased a lovely little hamster, her name is Honey. ♥

If anyone is contemplating going to see Watchmen..

DO IT NOW. IT'S AMAZING. :D

I wanted to waste some money so I bought a rename token, so I'm no longer x--bullet, I am daguerreotype! ♥

I wrote a letter to Brian and burned it, and I feel better now. Everyone is drinking in reminisce of him, I'm alone and binging on cereal, reading books and playing my DS. Anything to distract myself from hurting myself.(Something I haven't done in a long, long time.) I feel terribly pathetic.

My arrhythmia is getting to me though, for the past few weeks I've been getting it once every half hour, it's becoming more and more frequent and bothersome. I'm starting to think that my new medication (Pregabalin, taken for GAD) is to blame, since I only started taking it a few weeks ago. I had an ECG a few years ago and was told that there were some "disturbances" in my heartbeat, but it was very minor so nothing was ever done about it, I've had an arrhythmia several times a day, every day, for years now, but it's never really bothered me all that much, however once every 30minutes is just too much for me to handle.

My boyfriend's cat has the same thing, and we give him half an aspirin every day. He's my palpitation homeboy. ♥

It's the first year "anniversary" of my cousin's death on Sunday, I can't believe it's been so long already, it feels like it's only been a few months. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, I was thinking about writing a letter to him, and then burning it in Cardross. He always loved Cardross, but I don't know where his ashes are going to be spread, I'm not going to be there at the time, I wouldn't want to impose. I don't know if the letter idea is just plain silly or not, I can't really think very clearly right now. But I know that I want to do something, I just don't know what. I will most likely be on my own, because everyone else is going to be drinking in celebration, but they're a close knit of people, and I know I won't belong. I just wish he had a grave so I had a place to go, a place to sit and talk to him, to bring him flowers and guitar picks and notes. I feel like I should dress up, head to Cardross, go by the water and set the letter alight, but then what would I do? I just feel like it would be silly or pointless. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm slowly flaking and falling apart. I don't really want to be around anyone anyway, my family constantly tell me that I remind them of him so much, my mannerisms, my looks, my taste in music, everything. I really just don't want to be making things worse. I don't know what to do.

What happened to you, Chris Cornell?
Are you having another midlife crisis?
You release your solo albums (alright), cover "Billie Jean" (amazing), break up Audioslave (fuck you!) and then..
And then come out with THIS?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Viku5XzpmMg

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.




In other news, HAPPY PANCAKE DAY, YEY!

My vegan pancakes are delish. ♥

today i;
made snowangels
built a gargantuan snowman
and a baby snowmonster(!)
spent 7 hours in the park
twisted my ankle three times
stood about five inches away from a curious robin
heard a woodpecker for the first time
couldn't walk by the end of the day
felt like a child again
was truly happy for the first time in years
endured no panic attacks
played with a very mucky puppy
lived life the way life should be lived
had the best day of my life so far ♥

My boyfriend just sat up from a deep sleep and shouted "Where is everyone?! Bastards - they're all gone!", and then immediately fell back into bed and started snoring! I couldn't help but giggle. He tends to talk in his sleep about once a week (that I'm aware of), but this time his eyes were open and he looked right at me. Ummm. Strange.

I've been really thirsty lately, for the past week I've been drinking 5-6 litres of water a day, I'm scared that my brain is going to swell, but damn, I have a serious unquenchable thirst.

I really wish that I could sleep right now, my fingers aren't letting me type things.

So much for having a great Christmas.. I woke up with a migraine on the said day, and have been vomiting blood since. I feel like I'm swallowing little berserk daggers down my throat every time I swallow anything. Yey. D:

Happy holidays, everyone.

I finally got my laptop fixed!! Mmm, it's so good to type again and browse and feed off information. ♥

I'm on new medication for my anxiety and it makes my pupils HUGE, I look like I'm on crack and enjoying it.

I've developed a huge crush on Katy Perry, I mean.. Seriously, how adorable is she?

Anyways, Christmas is coming again, I've never really been one to make a fuss over it, but this year something has changed in me. I want to have the traditional British Christmas day, slaving over a hot stove for 6 hours in heels and an apron, I want the kids, the husband and the house.. but of course that's miles away. I don't even really celebrate Christmas for what it really is. I'm not religious at all, this is really a consumerist(?) holiday for me, but I just love seeking out and giving people presents that they love, I get a rush when their faces light up. I get a rush when I find something that I just know will make someone's day. I love draping fairy-lights all over my house and decorating the tree with fragile family baubles and sugary edible stars.

I just love the holidays, even if it's for all the wrong reasons, I'm going to make this one the best so far - my very first Christmas on my own! :D

I'm going to go and catch up with the millions of posts I've missed and rape Limewire for all it's music-drenched worth now.

There was a stabbing in Glasgow today, or atleast that's what i was being told. It's not uncommon - it's a city afterall, things like that are bound to happen. Except, well, it was broad daylight, in the afternoon, but still quite bright. I was sitting in Subway waiting for a few friends to arrive when two guys came rushing in, heading to the bathroom. One was clutching his arm which was bleeding profusely, the other was swearing and trying to stop the blood somehow. Both of them had horizontal scars all over their arms, obviously self-inflicted by the look of it. An ambulance was called but arrived 10 minutes later as the injured one had lost conciousness. Suddenly, and i dont even know why, i buried my face in my hands and started to sob. I dont know if it was because i thought that his injury was self inflicted, or if it was because i tend to live in a happy little bubble where bad things dont happen. But, basically, it just hit home. I used to self harm, and i've been in a situation where i've had to help a friend from rupturing her own arteries. It just hit me hard. I hope that guy is alright, i really do. Even if i have no idea if he really was stabbed, or who he was, or if he even cared about living at all.

So i got a new mobile phone, it looks like an iphone but less cunty. It also has free internet. :D Not used to the whole touch-screen shenanigans yet. I wish there was a way to make paragraphs with this thing. Well, anyway, it's my birthday on Friday so i shall be hitting the town and also Ichiban to gorge myself on sushi goodness. Noice. There are scary noises coming from upstairs, i think my neighbours are revamping the place.. again. I currently have a huge hole in my ceiling thanks to them putting new flooring down. Fail. D:

I'm not dead!

My laptop has been fried and unusable for weeks and weeks.

No more updates for a while.

I miss reading about your lives. ):

Take care.

*flail*